Expanding my mind and my body?!

It is unbelievable to me that my last post was after my 11th treatment of Taxol.  I am grateful for the fact that it feels like a long time ago.  After I completed chemotherapy I was thrilled but the impending surgery really shook me to my core.  The only way I knew how to cope with the plethora of emotions I had was to withdraw.

During my time before surgery I enjoyed every second I could with sweet Anna, as I knew that it would be a little bit before I could pick her up and hold her with the same satisfaction.  Family and friends came to visit, which left my heart feeling whole.  I maximized every second I could.

We celebrated Anna's SECOND birthday early so I could enjoy it and participate wholeheartedly.  It is so amazing how much children change in two years.  Roughly 650 days ago Anna rolled over for the First time, and now she is talking and running everywhere.  Completely blows my mind!  My sister and family, In laws, Dad, Aunt Barb, and mom were all here to celebrate Anna's big 2!  The weather was perfect and the company was even better.  This was a good way to spend the last Saturday before surgery, celebrating the most amazing little girl!

I was a nervous wreck leading up to surgery.  Although the 8 hour surgery was something to worry about, it was the unknown after surgery that really bothered me.  How would I feel, what would I look like, and how would I cope with being unable to do for myself or my child.  I had struggled through chemo with not being able to do for Anna like I felt a mother should for their child.  Surgery would mean a whole knew level of not being able to be their for Anna and this made me feel so inadequate.  I know and knew that what surgery offered for the future made it necessary, but it enraged me to know that yet more sacrifice was needed to beat this beast called cancer.  

When Tuesday March 11th came I had made peace with the fact that I needed to have surgery to ensure I could have many more precious memories with my family and friends.  I woke up at 330am and scrubbed my body that I had known for 29 years down one last time.  My husband, Mom, Aunt Barb, and Dad all loaded up and rode to the hospital.  I had the easy end of the deal, I wouldn't remember the next 8 hours.  Brandon stayed strong and joked with me all the way until we parted in the pre-op hallway.  He wouldn't let me know but I am pretty sure he started to tear up too as we exchanged our final kiss before I went back for surgery.  My family waited patiently in the waiting room for the buzzer to go off for any updates, 8 hours they all sat and waited.  My time after this is such a blur.  I do remember seeing everyone gathered around my hospital bed, even Anna, Dana ( my amazing MIL), and Aunt Jenny  Morphine really is a dream, and I remember grasping the button like it might run away from me.  I apparently kept accusing Brandon of taking his shirt off in the hospital and fore warned him that he was going to get caught, I also insisted that Little Bear had gained a ton of weight and was laying on my legs.  Little Bear was actually the compression cuffs on my legs, and we are still unsure of why I thought that Brandon was taking his shirt off.

I spent two nights in the hospital and came home to a whole new world.  I was in hiding from Anna for a week, but this was easy since I was asleep the whole time.  It was after this that the moment that I had so dreaded came to fruition, I couldn't hold my sweet little girl or even pick her up.  I had four drains that slowly came out, and by the end of the third week I was drain free.  My sweet mom stripped my drainage tubes and measured the crazy goop that collected in the drains.  She also helped me bathe and made anything for me that I thought might sound even a little appetizing.  Thank God for my Mom she is the very best and has been so patient with me!  By week three I was completely off of pain killers and walking up and down our street and even pulling some weeds.  Anna has been able to sit in my lap, but it isn't comfortable to either of us.  My new breasts are so hard she doesn't want to lay back on me, and honestly it hurts terribly.  We are working through the moments that Anna wants me to pick her up or play beyond my range of motion.  I have seen many tears and heard many "help me mommas"  which make me so sad.  Each day I get a little stronger and Anna understands more that Momma has booboos.

I am now fully expanded.  I went each week and had 50 to 75 cc's placed in each expander to stretch out my muscles that will support my future forever implants. After I reached 400cc's I stopped.  It was a surreal experience to watch my breasts grow before my eyes, puberty on fast forward.  I struggled with this process, it felt so vain.  I will keep my expanders for two months and then have surgery to replace them for my permanent implants around mid-July.

I celebrate every day that I had a 100% response to chemotherapy and there was no sign of cancer left in me at the time of surgery.  To help stay cancer free everyday I take Tamoxifen, which blocks my hormones.  I was already a nut living with chemo brain, but now I am a hormonal forgetful nightmare that has insomnia.  I am hoping that my body adjusts to this hormonal frenzy in the next few months.

So I pretty much feel like I am going through puberty with mood swings, fatigue, growing breasts, and the most exciting my hair is really growing back.... however it is black! I am learning to embrace this temporary look.  I am rocking the fake breasts with bipples (back nipples (thank you Sally for this term)). I am happy to say I am doing really good and push myself everyday a little harder than the day before.  I look forward to a full recovery, a night of sleep that isn't in the upright position, and a pain free day... I know this is all in the near future!  Thank you all for your continued support, love, prayers, happy dances, and good juju.  I am sorry that I haven't been emotionally where I could update you, but I am feeling more and more like myself with each day that passes, and I thank you all for reaching out to me via letters, emails, phone calls, and messages.  You all make this process so much easier!

My last Taxol Treatment!  I couldn't have gone through any of this without this amazing man by my side.

Auntie Amy, Uncle Matt, and baby Reid came to visit!  

Anna wanted to show Reid everything!  She loves her cousin!!  p.s. this was their first trip traveling with a baby and they made it look so easy!

Anna's real celebration of turning 2!!!

 Anna with Aunt Amy and cousin Reid.  They came to visit after I finished treatment!  First trip with a baby and they made it look so simple!

 A short trip to Atlanta.  Anna with her best buddy Camy! Hate I didn't get a picture of her and Ellora together.  Miss these precious little girls and their Momma's.

Pre-surgery pictures and the hospital waiting room crew!  Love you all and I would be lost without your support!  Thank you!!!!!!!

The dreaded drains!  This was the last two I had removed.  The funny things is I thought I had pulled a tube out and went to the plastic surgeons office to see them laugh.
Turns out that everything that is white is what was inside me, that is about 12 inches.

First post surgery walk.  I still have all four drains "hidden" under the jacket I am wearing.

Visit to surgeon after surgery.  Got the good news of no signs of cancer in breast tissue or lymph nodes.  We had heard the news before but good to hear it again!

First visit to oncologist after I had finished chemotherapy.  Felt strange to go and not take a treatment.  I got my perscription for Tamoxifen and my appointment for my next PETSCAN in July.

We went to see Uncle DrewDrew play hockey down in Pensacola.  It was the first game of the championship, that they ended up winning!!!  Anna is so in love with "drewdrew".

The first of ten years worth of pills.  I do need to get better at taking them, seems I am a little forgetful.

Bathtime fun!!  Might not have full range of motion but we still have fun!

Thank you Deckers family for the wonderful birthday gift for Anna and I absolutely love my hugs!!!  Miss you and hope to see you soon!

Anna prepared for a Tornado.  Mom, Brandon, Anna, Little Bear, Brewster, and I in the basement bathroom taking cover.  What a long night!

I think we lived in Atlanta just long enough that Anna thinks it is okay to walk around with her shopping cart and dress crazy!  Every day is an adventure!!

Is that "normal" I see in the distant future?!

This Thursday makes 20 weeks of Chemotherapy and my last treatment.  When I began this journey I never thought that my final treatment would ever get here.  I survived hair loss, joint and muscle pain,acne, neuropathy, hot flashes,  gum swelling and bleeding, dry mouth, mouth sores, nausea, extremely tender finger nails, constipation, diarrhea, blurred vision, migraines, insomnia, fatigue... oh heck if it was a side effect - I have experienced it.   I have learned that the human body is very forgiving.  You adapt to what is your normal at the time.  It wasn't until I started reflecting on everything that I realized just how crummy I have felt.  I understand I wont feel like my energetic self for a whole year, but in a month I will be able to tell a difference and in three I will be dumbfounded at how much better I will feel.

I have had my sweet little girl, wonderful family, and fantastic friends to keep me going in what I like to refer to as my "dark days".  These were days that I didn't want to get out of bed, pick up the phone, or participate.  Thank you for standing by my side without waver. I never had any doubt in my mind, but this has more than solidified that I married the perfect man for me.  Brandon has stood by my side, gone to every appointment, and helped me make some of the hardest decisions of my life thus far.  He took my diagnosis as "OUR" diagnosis and we have done this together.  He is without a doubt the most loyal and loving husband I could have ever dreamed of.  He is also a fantastic father, wanting to spend every second he can with his little girl.   I have also learned that a Mother's love runs deep and forever.  It has been so hard to not be the mom I want to be, but because I haven't been there my very own mom has stepped in.  My Mom I am convinced is super human.  Taking care of Anna, myself and keeping the house running while Brandon is at work.  Most of all she is always ready with a hug and kiss and knows just the right thing to say.  I never doubted my mother's love but this life altering situation has demonstrated to me just how much she does love me and my family.  She has dropped her life to help me with mine.  Without Brandon and my Mom I would be completely lost.

As I celebrate the completion of chemotherapy, I am haunted by the looming date of surgery.  March 11th at 6am I will go under the knife for 6 to 8 hours to have a double mastectomy without nipple sparing and latissimuss dorsi flaps with reconstruction.  This is a fancy for saying they are going to take my breast tissue, leave the skin that covers them, use a muscle in my back to help create a smoother breast mound, and put in expanders.  The expanders will be behind my pectoral wall and the plastic surgeon will add fluid to them on a weekly basis to stretch out my muscles in preparation for the actual implants.  I will have the implants put in probably around July, and will then begin nipple reconstruction and tattooing.  This isn't a short process.

I debated long and hard about plastic surgery.  It is totally unnecessary, and if I was older then I wouldn't worry with it.  Since I am planning on living well into my 90's I am going to take the bull by the horns and do it!  It is amazing how your breast being removed is so emotional, it is a piece of me I have had for 29 years and I had intended on keeping for the rest of my life.  It is part of your body that defines you as a woman and if you breast feed it is part of defining you as a mother.  Who would have thought that the breasts that I tried to hide until I was almost in high school, I would now want to recreate after they had been removed.  I think it is safe to say that my breasts and I have had a roller coaster of a relationship.  My new breast will never be like my God given breast and will always hold the marks of a "Survivor", but hey when I am 93 guess who is still going to have perky ones!!  

One battle of breast cancer almost complete and preparations for the next underway, but at least my hair is growing back.  I joke that I have a lions mane now, however I look more like a minion.  I am happy for the itchy scalp and look forward to every little hair that sprouts!  The return to my new normal doesn't happen overnight.    

                         

I haven't written much through my Taxol treatments.  The neuropathy makes it difficult to type, but this week we preserver!  Here are some pictures from the past few weeks:  

The following are pictures from Weeks 4-11 of Taxol Treatments, please keep in mind that after treatment I am tipsy.  Treatment is the equivalent of having one glass of wine. FYI I haven't hardly had anything to drink since before June of 2011.  That was a really long time ago.  Needless to say I have fun when treatment is over, that is when the camera comes out!

 Taxol Treatment #4

 Taxol Treatment #5

 Taxol Treatment #6

                                                                          Taxol Treatment          #7

Taxol Treatment # 8 - Getting Excited!

 Taxol Treatment # 9

 Taxol Treatment # 10

Never knew I could jump so high or that I would be such a great mime!

Taxol Treatment # 11 An awesome display of my nonexistent athleticism!!!! 

Dress Up Time with Anna!!!  Dont worry there are more to come!  Thank goodness for $1.99 Halloween Costumes and my husbands amazing shopping skills.

Fun outing with Grandmommy, Nana, Gigi, and Anna. 

We had lunch in Homewood and looked in a shop or two.

Getting ready for a New Years Eve date with Anna and Brandon aka Daddy.

We made it to MIDNIGHT!!! 2014 dancing in the living room!

A perfect visit from the one and only Shannon Kelly.  I would be lost without her. Love you Killa K!

2014 Snow Day!!  More pics to come.  Anna loved the snow, but was very concerned that it was sticking to her boots.  I think she has some OCD tendencies. We came in and had hot chocolate to thaw out.

Happy New Year!! 2014!!

New Years Eve for me is a time to reflect on the year that has passed, and determined how I might go about doing things a little different in the year to come!  When I think of 2013 the first thing that comes to mind is support.  I am so very lucky to have so many wonderful friends and a fantastic family.

The first morning of 2013 I remember sitting on the couch with my husband talking about all the great things that were to come.  There were whispers of Brandon looking to leave UPS, all the fun milestones that Anna would accomplish, and I promised myself that Anna and I would make friends that we could get out and explore Atlanta with.  Looking back we did exactly what we set out to do!  Although I knew Eve from work and knew she was an awesome lady I never knew that she would be one of my dearest mommy friends that I would connect with and confide in.  Then I met Lynsey and wow I never could have imagined how much laughter she would bring into my life.  These two ladies brought me back to life, I had somehow managed to loose myself in the world of washing diapers and pumping milk.  Their little girls also brought out the best in Anna.  Anna learned to walk this year, has expanded her vocabulary to more than just MA, and is a master at her fine motor skills.  Brandon after 20 years at UPS went to work for Home Depot which brought us to Alabama.  When the year began we couldn't have imagined that my uncle would pass away, we would loose a very close friend unexpectedly, Brandon would beat Melanoma for a second time, and I would begin my battle against breast cancer.  We did it all together, the good and the bad, making our marriage even stronger.

Breast Cancer for five months has been my focus, I sometimes feel like I eat and breath it.  I am reminded every time I pass a mirror, I put on a bra, or do something as simple as check my calendar which is dotted with doctors appointments and chemo dates.  On August 9th, 2013 my life changed forever with one phone call.  I am reminded I have cancer frequently, but it is really a reminder to seize the moment.  Tell my friends and family I love them.  Sit in the floor Anna and pretend to eat play dough, or take the stairs one step at a time bumping my rear on each one saying boom.  Kiss my husband when he least expects it.  Throw the dogs toy until she collapses from exhaustion.  Enjoy my tea while it is hot and talk with my mom.  Breast cancer has reminded me to slow down and enjoy the little things.

I have completed 4 AC treatments and 7 Taxol treatments.  2014 leaves me with just 5 Taxol treatments and surgery most likely the last week of February.  I have had some neuropathy in both my hands and feet from my Taxol treatments, but have found that Glutamine ( THANK YOU Tara, my breast cancer bosom buddy, who suggested this to me) has helped reduce the aching and pain I was having to a third to what it was.  I no longer feel like curling up in the corner and hiding.  Side effects, treatments, and all that goes along with this seems like a blink in the grand scheme of a long life to live.

I wish you all a very HAPPY NEW YEAR filled with laughter, love, and good health.  I hope you all slow down and enjoy the little moments and remember to tell your friends and family you love them.  Thank you so much for you all your prayers, good juju, happy dances, and support.  Love you all!

p.s. Thank you for all the wonderful Christmas cards I received in the mail this month, everyday was a true surprise of who might have reached out.  Nothing better than opening the mail box and finding a little note!  I am constantly reminded how wonderful and supportive people of every facet of my life are.