Expanding my mind and my body?!

It is unbelievable to me that my last post was after my 11th treatment of Taxol.  I am grateful for the fact that it feels like a long time ago.  After I completed chemotherapy I was thrilled but the impending surgery really shook me to my core.  The only way I knew how to cope with the plethora of emotions I had was to withdraw.

During my time before surgery I enjoyed every second I could with sweet Anna, as I knew that it would be a little bit before I could pick her up and hold her with the same satisfaction.  Family and friends came to visit, which left my heart feeling whole.  I maximized every second I could.

We celebrated Anna's SECOND birthday early so I could enjoy it and participate wholeheartedly.  It is so amazing how much children change in two years.  Roughly 650 days ago Anna rolled over for the First time, and now she is talking and running everywhere.  Completely blows my mind!  My sister and family, In laws, Dad, Aunt Barb, and mom were all here to celebrate Anna's big 2!  The weather was perfect and the company was even better.  This was a good way to spend the last Saturday before surgery, celebrating the most amazing little girl!

I was a nervous wreck leading up to surgery.  Although the 8 hour surgery was something to worry about, it was the unknown after surgery that really bothered me.  How would I feel, what would I look like, and how would I cope with being unable to do for myself or my child.  I had struggled through chemo with not being able to do for Anna like I felt a mother should for their child.  Surgery would mean a whole knew level of not being able to be their for Anna and this made me feel so inadequate.  I know and knew that what surgery offered for the future made it necessary, but it enraged me to know that yet more sacrifice was needed to beat this beast called cancer.  

When Tuesday March 11th came I had made peace with the fact that I needed to have surgery to ensure I could have many more precious memories with my family and friends.  I woke up at 330am and scrubbed my body that I had known for 29 years down one last time.  My husband, Mom, Aunt Barb, and Dad all loaded up and rode to the hospital.  I had the easy end of the deal, I wouldn't remember the next 8 hours.  Brandon stayed strong and joked with me all the way until we parted in the pre-op hallway.  He wouldn't let me know but I am pretty sure he started to tear up too as we exchanged our final kiss before I went back for surgery.  My family waited patiently in the waiting room for the buzzer to go off for any updates, 8 hours they all sat and waited.  My time after this is such a blur.  I do remember seeing everyone gathered around my hospital bed, even Anna, Dana ( my amazing MIL), and Aunt Jenny  Morphine really is a dream, and I remember grasping the button like it might run away from me.  I apparently kept accusing Brandon of taking his shirt off in the hospital and fore warned him that he was going to get caught, I also insisted that Little Bear had gained a ton of weight and was laying on my legs.  Little Bear was actually the compression cuffs on my legs, and we are still unsure of why I thought that Brandon was taking his shirt off.

I spent two nights in the hospital and came home to a whole new world.  I was in hiding from Anna for a week, but this was easy since I was asleep the whole time.  It was after this that the moment that I had so dreaded came to fruition, I couldn't hold my sweet little girl or even pick her up.  I had four drains that slowly came out, and by the end of the third week I was drain free.  My sweet mom stripped my drainage tubes and measured the crazy goop that collected in the drains.  She also helped me bathe and made anything for me that I thought might sound even a little appetizing.  Thank God for my Mom she is the very best and has been so patient with me!  By week three I was completely off of pain killers and walking up and down our street and even pulling some weeds.  Anna has been able to sit in my lap, but it isn't comfortable to either of us.  My new breasts are so hard she doesn't want to lay back on me, and honestly it hurts terribly.  We are working through the moments that Anna wants me to pick her up or play beyond my range of motion.  I have seen many tears and heard many "help me mommas"  which make me so sad.  Each day I get a little stronger and Anna understands more that Momma has booboos.

I am now fully expanded.  I went each week and had 50 to 75 cc's placed in each expander to stretch out my muscles that will support my future forever implants. After I reached 400cc's I stopped.  It was a surreal experience to watch my breasts grow before my eyes, puberty on fast forward.  I struggled with this process, it felt so vain.  I will keep my expanders for two months and then have surgery to replace them for my permanent implants around mid-July.

I celebrate every day that I had a 100% response to chemotherapy and there was no sign of cancer left in me at the time of surgery.  To help stay cancer free everyday I take Tamoxifen, which blocks my hormones.  I was already a nut living with chemo brain, but now I am a hormonal forgetful nightmare that has insomnia.  I am hoping that my body adjusts to this hormonal frenzy in the next few months.

So I pretty much feel like I am going through puberty with mood swings, fatigue, growing breasts, and the most exciting my hair is really growing back.... however it is black! I am learning to embrace this temporary look.  I am rocking the fake breasts with bipples (back nipples (thank you Sally for this term)). I am happy to say I am doing really good and push myself everyday a little harder than the day before.  I look forward to a full recovery, a night of sleep that isn't in the upright position, and a pain free day... I know this is all in the near future!  Thank you all for your continued support, love, prayers, happy dances, and good juju.  I am sorry that I haven't been emotionally where I could update you, but I am feeling more and more like myself with each day that passes, and I thank you all for reaching out to me via letters, emails, phone calls, and messages.  You all make this process so much easier!

My last Taxol Treatment!  I couldn't have gone through any of this without this amazing man by my side.

Auntie Amy, Uncle Matt, and baby Reid came to visit!  

Anna wanted to show Reid everything!  She loves her cousin!!  p.s. this was their first trip traveling with a baby and they made it look so easy!

Anna's real celebration of turning 2!!!

 Anna with Aunt Amy and cousin Reid.  They came to visit after I finished treatment!  First trip with a baby and they made it look so simple!

 A short trip to Atlanta.  Anna with her best buddy Camy! Hate I didn't get a picture of her and Ellora together.  Miss these precious little girls and their Momma's.

Pre-surgery pictures and the hospital waiting room crew!  Love you all and I would be lost without your support!  Thank you!!!!!!!

The dreaded drains!  This was the last two I had removed.  The funny things is I thought I had pulled a tube out and went to the plastic surgeons office to see them laugh.
Turns out that everything that is white is what was inside me, that is about 12 inches.

First post surgery walk.  I still have all four drains "hidden" under the jacket I am wearing.

Visit to surgeon after surgery.  Got the good news of no signs of cancer in breast tissue or lymph nodes.  We had heard the news before but good to hear it again!

First visit to oncologist after I had finished chemotherapy.  Felt strange to go and not take a treatment.  I got my perscription for Tamoxifen and my appointment for my next PETSCAN in July.

We went to see Uncle DrewDrew play hockey down in Pensacola.  It was the first game of the championship, that they ended up winning!!!  Anna is so in love with "drewdrew".

The first of ten years worth of pills.  I do need to get better at taking them, seems I am a little forgetful.

Bathtime fun!!  Might not have full range of motion but we still have fun!

Thank you Deckers family for the wonderful birthday gift for Anna and I absolutely love my hugs!!!  Miss you and hope to see you soon!

Anna prepared for a Tornado.  Mom, Brandon, Anna, Little Bear, Brewster, and I in the basement bathroom taking cover.  What a long night!

I think we lived in Atlanta just long enough that Anna thinks it is okay to walk around with her shopping cart and dress crazy!  Every day is an adventure!!